Monday, December 17, 2007

An angel who lives in my heart

On my way home from class today, I started to think about an angel. I think about this angel quite often, I have been for the last 13 years. Her name is Sarah Marissa and she was my baby sister. I haven't written about this so I'll start from the beginning. When I was 9 years old, my parents and my sister Janice and I were living on Ft. Campbell, KY. My parents came to me one day and told me they were expecting a baby. I was beyond elated, you see ever since I can remember I wanted other siblings. Janice of course is my sister, but she was born with Down's Syndrome, and even though she filled our lives with love and continues to do so, it was not the same as having a "normal" sibling. I wanted someone to fight for the remote with or fight for the bathroom with, and Janice couldn't do those things. My parents told me they were 4 months along and they waited to tell me because they wanted to make sure nothing was wrong since Janice had Down's. I told everyone I could and dreamt about playing little mommy and helping my mom feed and take care of my future sibling. One day when I came home from school my parents sat me down on the cough and my dad proceeded to tell me that they went for an ultra sound and the doctors couldn't find the baby's heartbeat and that it had died. I didn't believe him at first, but he then started to cry and I knew it was real. My mom was 5 months along at this point and I never dreamed that this would happen. I was devastated, I cried and carried on and prayed to god for him to bring my sister back. I didn't view death as permanent at the age of 9 and I thought god could reverse it if he wanted. I fell into a depression and I probably should have went to counseling. I never got over it, I'm still not over it. I wanted that baby so bad and today I dream about the person she'd be. She be 13 years old today and probably in the 7th or 8th grade and dreaming about high school and boys. I wonder what kind of life we would have had together. I bet we'd be really close. But it wasn't meant to be. I try to think everything happens for a reason. When I was 18, my cousin Kelly came to live with us. She was 15. Me and her are very close, like sisters. If my sister would have been born, there would have been no room for Kelly and my parents wouldn't have been able to support her and she wouldn't have gotten away from the hell of a life she was being forced to live at the time. She is now in nursing school and lives in a house with her boyfriend who she's been with for years and they are doing really well. That's how I rationalize what happened to Sarah. She wasn't meant to be, but I believe she's an angel in heaven and she lives on in my heart.